HELP WANTED: CROTCH INSPECTOR

HELP WANTED: CROTCH INSPECTOR

The state of north Carolina is currently seeking applicants to fill positions at local, state, public and private washrooms. New legislation, HB2, commonly known as the Bathroom, or “Let me see your junk” law has opened up numerous positions for qualified applicants. Salary commensurate with experience.

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Some members of the public are very concerned about what the person in the stall or urinal are doing, and what they are doing it with. As a Crotch Inspector for the State of North Carolina, your job is to bring them piece of mind. In a multi-pronged assault on this issue plaguing our restrooms, by “certain” elements of society, you and your team will employ a series of policing and investigative strategies. Perpetrators and suspects will be required to show you a birth certificate prior to entering any restroom outside of a private home. That will be handled later in special upcoming legislation. You will be asked to expose yourself

 

 

as a state Crotch Inspector to anyone knowingly or wantingly misrepresenting their genitalia, reminding them as you inspect their “package” that nowhere in the constitution is privacy guaranteed. Suspects are liable for criminal prosecution. You will testify for the prosecution, asserting that you checked their junk carefully, describing in great literary detail how that junk was inconsistent with their legally mandated junk.

QUALIFICATIONS:

Applicants will be republican, Trump supporters will be given preference. 8th Grade education, or three years probation for farm animal molestation. Jaw commonly described as slacked. Single eyebrow, preferably above the eyes. Ability to lean backwards and stretch around urinal walls. Family tree commonly described as “the  stick.” ability to describe self as “Christian,” despite overwhelming contradictions. You like to peek in your neighbors windows.

Applicants are encouraged to submit cover letter-crayon is okay-in the comment section below. In an effort to save time, no, crayons do not come with Spell Check. Consult your baby mama’s breast tattoo for the proper spelling of your name, you request a copy of the thumbprint signature used to get your carnival job.

 

Donald Trump Trounces Himself in CNN Debate

Donald Trump today, sitting down with Anderson Cooper, cast as the abuse victim to Mr. Trump, bravely defended the assault of a female journalist by his campaign manager. Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, was arrested today on battery charges. Trump was quick to side with the muscular and large male employee, implying that the small female reporter was somehow dangerous.

He cited America’s $21 trillion debt, despite that the debt is actually just above $19 trillion, hammering those nasty Chinese, who own a whopping 7% of US debt. A substantial portion of US owned debt, around,59%, incidentally is owned by greedy US states, pension and mutual funds, and individual investors. The US economy is currently running at about $18 trillion annually. China, by comparison has an economy of roughly $10 trillion and a rapidly rising debt currently at $6 trillion.

Trump attacked the greatest threat to American security; NATO, which has helped maintain peace in Europe, and which contributed mightily to the eventual collapse of the Soviet Union. Like Cruz’ attack on the UN, Trump ignored that advocating dismantling the UN and NATO and criticizing the  dollar for dollar comparisons between the US and other countries amounts to the fat guy complaining that he had to pay more because he ate more pizza.

Trump broke down his positions on immigration, terrorism and the economy at long last, giving precise details that included the words, “Great,” and “Huge,” and “Amazing.” It is, as many experts have pointed out, difficult to argue with that sort of logic.

Trump revealed he is pro-life, which will come as a shock to Zombies, but not to anyone actually…living. CNN also bravely, in both the Trump and Cruz one on none debates, represented America’s average millionaire cattle farmers, one with 200,000 head of cattle, the other with 5000, or hardscrabble farmers worth between $7 and $250 million dollars each, like the rest of us.

Thank you CNN, for truly representing the common man.

 

SOURCES:

http://www.businessinsider.com/alarming-us-consumer-debt-statistics-2011-5

http://www.fool.com/investing/general/2013/11/07/chinadebt.aspx

https://www.bing.com/search?q=convert+dollar+yuan&form=EDGNTC&qs=AS&cvid=a05a46ea4e7941359ab9f8366e2e90ee&pq=convert%20dollar%20y

http://www.nationaldebtclocks.org/debtclock/china

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_GDP_(nominal)

http://www.brookings.edu/research/articles/2004/09/europe-posen

http://www.farmandranchguide.com/news/livestock/what-s-a-cow-worth-determining-the-value-of-a/article_94e22c5a-4601-11e1-8214-0019bb2963f4.html

Ted Cruz Wins Debate Against Himself

Tonight, in a head to head match up against himself, in a bravely battled one on none debate hosted by CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Ted Cruz, according to most observers, won! The debate was held in Milwaukee on the eve of the primary battle there.

Defending his vow to occupy and patrol “Muslim” neighborhoods in America, to carpet bomb the National Inquirer and sue ISIS(maybe I mixed that up), Cruz vowed to “walk and chew gum at the same time,” upholding a scientific principle about walking and chewing simultaneously. Curiously, Cruz eschews science when it comes to Climate Change.

Cruz bravely resurrected the Nidal Hasan Fort Hood case from November 2009. There was no comment, however, on what he intended to do about the controversy over whether Pluto is a planet or planetoid, or about the audacity of President Jimmy Carter’s 1977 decision to place solar panels on the Whitehouse.

In a more touching and personal moment Cruz lamented the scourge of illicit narcotics, drawing a connection between illegal drugs, immigrants and the death of his sister. His sister Mary died tragically, not from Crack or heroin brought in by wily Mexican illegals, but by prescription drugs due to a back injury. One only wonders if Cruz can also see Russia from his Texas home?

Brussels Terror Attack: Lessons

Brussels Terror Attack: Lessons

There are immediate lessons to be learned even while the smoke is still clearing and the casualties are still being counted. Overnight a series of terror attacks in the Belgian capitol, Brussels, left scores dead and wounded. Attacks included the Brussels Metro and the airport. The list of suspects is a short one. We all know the names of the group or groups likely to have carried out the attacks. Less apparent are the lessons, particularly in the emotional, and, from a political point of view, the emotionally crippling aftermath of such attacks.

The obvious connection always recalls the September 2001 attacks in the United States. There we watched a sitting US president rally the nation’s collective shock and outrage in a cowboy style, made for Hollywood, “let’s go git em'” national pep rally. As with the current election, the nation’s “everyman” was in actuality a remarketed draft dodging, spoiled rich boy and functionary whose father, famously, had never been to a super market. And yet he was elected, ostensibly, because he’d be fun to drink a beer with. The result was the unremarkable execution of what should have been a short-lived pursue and capture effort in Afghanistan, and a corporate driven money-laundering quagmire in Iraq, costing thousands of young American lives, hundreds of thousands of civilian lives, decades of unrest and instability, and trillions siphoned from the national treasury.

America is now embroiled in a sadly historic presidential election, in which another over-pampered, media constructed candidate pretends himself as speaking for the “everyman” in America. Would love to know when the last time he trolled the local market for  a quart of milk and  loaf of bread, or even made breakfast for himself or his kids? When was the last time this candidate actually used the words, “we can’t afford that,” for anything smaller than a Caribbean island? And yet, too many struggling working class Americans buy rhetoric crafted by his media handlers and bankers backers(His whole fortune is hinged on finance at the highest levels). The entire campaign is hinged upon emotion and the impotency felt by many Americans about the national and international state of affairs.

The problem is, our politics and our society have taken on a perpetual pep rally. Americans have been marketed and cross marketed, the consumer/entertainment culture massaged into smiting the bad guy after the next commercial break, or by the end of the Die Hard movie. Massaging that culture and presiding over the marketing of pep rally hosting-newscasts are men like  this current GOP frontrunner.

The lesson is that we can be all too easily manipulated into wars of profit, in which our children, not theirs, become the cannon fodder. Those stakes are immense for weapons dealers, manufacturers, the banks who fund wars and weapons industries. They have crafted through media consolidation an integrated network, in which  the true difference between networks is no different than the flavors in a hand full of jelly beans. In the end, they are all essentially the same. The public pressure, with the illusions of security-we are less secure now after the follies in the Mideast than even before September 2001-and promises of jobs, the pretense of patriotism or the perversion of heroism and sacrifice of young people to the profits of GE, Raytheon or KBR, to name but a few is manifest at the hands of media run and owned by vast interlocking corporate structures.

What is called for especially in dangerous and confusing times are not bumper stickers and flag waving to teary-eyed country songs but rational, clear-headed foresight. Necessary is a leader who doesn’t pretend an illusion that he can treat the rest of the world like an employee, something which only reaps hardship economically, in trade and in solving issues like terrorism and the brutality which befell Brussels and Europe today.

Wow, Michael Savage said Liberals hate Trump because he’s an Alpha Male. One Chickenhawk about another Draft Dodger, but it’s okay, they are rich.

Wow, Michael Savage said Liberals hate Trump because he’s an Alpha Male. One Chickenhawk about another Draft Dodger, but it’s okay, they are rich.

This will come as quite a surprise to the two anti-Trump liberal combat veterans on my Saturday show. Wonder how they will take the fact that, according to Savage and Trump, they are wimps.

Trump was eligible for the draft lottery during the Vietnam War.[32] “I actually got lucky because I had a very high draft number”, he told WNYW in 2011.[33] Selective Service records retrieved by The Smoking Gun website from the National Archives show that, although Trump did eventually receive a high selective service lottery number in 1969, he was not drafted earlier secondary to four student deferments (2-S) while attending college, as well as a medical deferment (1-Y, later converted to 4-F) obtained in 1968 after his college graduation, prior to the lottery being initiated.[34] Trump was deemed fit for service after a military medical examination in 1966 and was briefly classified as 1-A by a local draft board shortly before his 1968 medical disqualification.[35] Trump attributed his medical deferment to “heel spurs” in both feet, according to a 2015 biographer,[27] but told an Iowa campaign audience he suffered from a spur in one foot, although he could not remember which one.

Of veterans suffering from PTSD Savage said, “I am so sick and tired with everyone with their complaints about PTSD, depression. Everyone wants their hand held and a check, a government check. What, are you the only generation that had PTSD? The only generation that’s depressed?” – See more at: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/dispatches/2014/10/22/michael-savage-is-tired-of-wimpy-soldiers-and-their-ptsd/#sthash.JSvWgsvD.dpuf

Primary: Calling it in Illinois!

Primary: Calling it in Illinois!

It isn’t really a complex calculus. Illinois is a democrat state. More than that, there is a simple bit of logic and legacy. The fact remains that progressives and Dems are far likelier to vote early as opposed to Republicans. The margin is almost 5 to 1. The Chicago Board of Elections reported this evening that 130,000 early votes had been cast, nearly 50,000 more than were cast in 2008. That’s an astounding number. If history is the key, that means only 26,000 of the votes cast early are for republicans. It is unlikely there would be any large crossover of Dems or undecideds in that number to change the calculus.

Now, here is the key. A bit of psychology is instructive; one of those non number variables that moves elections. Early voting favors the farther Left in Illinois, those people who carefully follow issues of voter intimidation, disenfranchisement and exclusion. They tend to be far less establishment oriented. To assign a number to that, of the available voters, that leaves an estimated 3-1 ratio in favor of Bernie Sanders, or about 70,000 to Sanders and 30,000 to Clinton.

That is hardly the vote, however. In 2008 roughly 2 million voted, the largest share, 1.3 million going to Obama, with 667 thousand to Clinton. Obama was experiencing a groundswell well ahead of the Illinois primary. As of today Clinton and Sanders were in a statistical dead heat, with raw numbers just slightly in favor Mrs. Clinton, or 49 to 41. Applying that to the 2008 turnout numbers would give Hillary the advantage at about 900,000 votes to Sanders’ 800,000. The 70,000 estimated from early ballots almost makes them even, or at least within about 30,000 votes, but there two additional variables.

The first is the post Trump rally Sanders Bump, as I am calling it. The success of humiliating Trump last Friday was a virtual advertisement for sanders, and something of a rallying cry for pro-immigration, anti-racism people. Last, this primary, and perhaps election is becoming a referendum on Hillary friend and supporter, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel. Rahm is roundly disliked by a growing proportion of Chicagoans, especially in the wake of the Laquan MacDonald shooting cover-up. Four in ten want him gone. Combined I believe that earns Sanders an additional 40-60,000 votes.

All that gives the Bernie camp a momentum lacking in the Hillary camp. Elections are, in the end about emotion as much or more than anything else, and this election is no different. For that reason I an predicting that Sanders will take Illinois by between 5 and 10 points; a symbolic win more than anything. Hillary, in that scenario still walks with a sizeable chunk of delegates, but that keeps Sanders in the fight, strengthens his hand and builds momentum into upcoming races.

So there it is. Sanders by a nose in Illinois. Could anything smell sweeter?