Ted Cruz Wins Debate Against Himself

Tonight, in a head to head match up against himself, in a bravely battled one on none debate hosted by CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Ted Cruz, according to most observers, won! The debate was held in Milwaukee on the eve of the primary battle there.

Defending his vow to occupy and patrol “Muslim” neighborhoods in America, to carpet bomb the National Inquirer and sue ISIS(maybe I mixed that up), Cruz vowed to “walk and chew gum at the same time,” upholding a scientific principle about walking and chewing simultaneously. Curiously, Cruz eschews science when it comes to Climate Change.

Cruz bravely resurrected the Nidal Hasan Fort Hood case from November 2009. There was no comment, however, on what he intended to do about the controversy over whether Pluto is a planet or planetoid, or about the audacity of President Jimmy Carter’s 1977 decision to place solar panels on the Whitehouse.

In a more touching and personal moment Cruz lamented the scourge of illicit narcotics, drawing a connection between illegal drugs, immigrants and the death of his sister. His sister Mary died tragically, not from Crack or heroin brought in by wily Mexican illegals, but by prescription drugs due to a back injury. One only wonders if Cruz can also see Russia from his Texas home?

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