The Only Way to Stop A Bad Gorilla with a Child is a Good Guy with a Gun.

Isn’t that how it goes? I mean, in America isn’t that how we ultimately resolve every complicated situation. A gun solves everything. So an endangered animal in a cage finds himself confronted not simply by a child who splashed into his prison after parents left him unattended…in a zoo…in public, ya know, with all of the transgendered predators out there, but also with throngs of American reactionary hysterics screaming and shouting from the rails.

And so that evil gorilla drags the child out of sight, because a hundred uber-parents all feel the need to tribally shout and scream, and he is shot for it? It’s not like the gorilla was Denny Hastert.  In fact, there are no recorded assaults by gorillas against fallen white babies. To the contrary. The last time this happened, with a my-baby-is-special parent resting their spawn on a rail, the gorilla protected the child. That was before Americans need a gun to go everywhere.

But I understand the zoo’s impatience. I am glad they didn’t clear the exhibit of the real chattering monkeys in hopes of dialing down any tension. Instead, as if it was the 1930’s remake of King Kong, the zoo cautioned the monstrous size and power of a male gorilla: 3 times bigger than a man, 6 time stronger. Kill. Kill. Kill.

So really what is the difference between some kid thinking he needs to pop a rival gang member, or a guy on the subway wondering if the punk ogling the iPhone he’s been conducting loud egoistic business for all the car to hear, or the guy who lost his job storming into the bank buns ablazing when they foreclose on him and offing a gorilla with the bratty baby of bratty parents? They are all difficult situations. And how do we deal with difficulty in modern America? Reason? Patience? Logic? That’s cute. No, we take the problem out with a gun.

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