It is high time to ban Interstellar Porn from Wormholes: A commentary on the moral decline of the Universe.

By W.C. Turck 

Anyone who has traveled between the interstellar port planet of Aqueilia 7 and the methane spas in the Breucian system in the galaxy Nexos swears by the convenience of wormholes. Ever since that mode of cross-Universal transportation was perfected, traveling at the old fashioned speed of light, particularly for distances of more than a few thousand parsecs, is simply out of the question. Suspended animation has gone the way of multi-generational inter-galactic travel. Indeed, nothing is sadder than watching one of those ancient freighters, from some Third Universe culture, lumbering among the stars. But with the spectacular success of wormhole passage, which eggheads (And you know who you are!) refer to as multi-dimensional transference, or MDTs, comes something that holds important implications for the moral fiber of the Universal community.

MDT advertising was inevitable, given the success of the medium. True enough, it wasn’t a new invention. The oldest civilizations have been using wormholes for millions of years(Earth years, for the simple-minded and under-educated). But we know that as civilizations arise in young stars, which represents the vast majority of third, fourth and fifth generation habitable stars, that MDT travel has finally hit its stride, and with it, many would rightly conclude, its over-commercialization!

Perhaps worst of all is that rampant, graphic pornography is now being flashed everywhere in wormholes, and by some of the most unsavory species known to this ever-expanding Universe. I’m not, of course, naming names here, but we all know those species that peddle in inter-galactic porn. If I were to name names, however, the gluttonous sulfur-based planetoid swallowing Zamfirians would surely top the list!

The filth now streaming among the MDTs has reached disastrous proportions. At a recent conference of ministers from several thousand of the leading star systems, the issue was taken up with the utmost urgency. The conference, which was held in the stunningly sumptuous resort in the Ridarian system, overlooking that galaxies spectacular center, was called to address this very problem. And there can be no doubt that it has risen almost to the point of crisis. When the jellyfish-like Hin-hin-toks, who feed in clusters from the ambient energy around wormhole access points, and who are known to mate unabashed in interstellar space, are shocked by the depravity within the wormholes then we can all be certain there we jave reached a crisis point!

Before anyone thinks of me as being antiquated in my morality, or that I am being intolerant of the decadent civilizations, like the Chauchian floating brothels, which by intergalactic agreement were thankfully confined to the Antares system, let me just remind those people that the Universe is for every species to enjoy. Furthermore, at the risk of becoming a cliché, the Universe must be protected for the young. We, as a community, in this ever shrinking Universe, must think of the young. Yes, even the gelatinous acid-sweating offspring of the Seniram Nebula, who eat their parents shortly after birth. What about the offspring? Won’t someone think of the offspring!

The biggest difficulty in cleaning up the wormholes is, of coarse, a matter of jurisdiction. Who should police the wormholes, which, as we know, leave the Universe for a time? As technically not a part of this Universe, nor any other, the authorities find themselves in something of a legal gray area in combating this threat. The problem in policing the wormholes, as everyone knows, stems from the intergalactic treaties to keep the MDTs demilitarized. The idea of an intergalactic police force has been discussed, but until the finer points of such an agreement the problem only seems to be getting worse rather than better.

Let me relate an experience I had while traveling on business between Titus 4 in the Parium system and the Octagious Alliance of developing planets, which suffered so terribly from a local supernova event a short time ago. I was riding in a Naissurnian cruiser. Of course I had my own pod, which I prefer instead of being forced to assimilate to someone else’s atmosphere. Not that I am a snob or a bigot, by any stretch of the imagination, but if one has ever smelled the cesspool-like stench of a hundred different species all crammed together in a confined space, belching this gas or that, it can make for a rather unpleasant journey. And don’t get me started of those miscreant Tallinaean types, with their noxious breath, spitting mercury-based saliva as they grunt. Anyone who has had to face that would never want to travel coach ever again! But I digress.

So there I was in my own pod. In the adjacent pod was a lovely Sausaurian family; a mother, a mother and one hundred and twenty-seven children. We had just pulled out of Titus 4. I had seen its stunning glass-like rings several times before, so I was well into an article on inter-galactic finance, the assimilation of alien currencies and the growing threat of star-cluster piracy. The rings reflected the distant twin suns, Paria A and Paria B, filling my pod with an intoxicating red glow that nearly lulled me to sleep. I fought it as I was eager to see the transition from normal space to the trans-dimensional wormhole effect. I had see it before, but the transition is so quick that if one looks away for even a second they risk missing it completely. Far below the gas clouds of giant Varanthia, which Titus, as everyone knows, orbits around. Of course it is illegal to accelerate to light speed, or LS, in a planetary system, so for the first hour or so we contented ourselves with a sluggish sixty percent LS until we had cleared the Parium system.

Now here is where things get confusing, at least for those not accustomed to Multi-Dimensional Travel. The galaxy rotated slowly below us, turning bluer as our velocity increased. As it did the largest nebulae and red dwarfs turned the most incredible lavender. Ahead of us the star clusters around the glowing galactic nucleus burned a rich red, changing color as we passed. As one might guess, the Sausaurian children were not accustomed to this spectacular display, being sub-surface dwellers. All one hundred and twenty-seven of those squid-like creatures were plastered to their domed pod to get a better look. I mean, literally they were plastered there, hanging on by dozens of oozing little suckers.

Wormhole is, of course, a bit of a misnomer. There isn’t actually a bunch of holes that connect all the distant parts of the Universe. Rather, it is something of an extra-dimensional path, a negotiation, if you will between our physical existence in one universe and the reality of another. Look, the Universe is bent and warped, rather like the Spaimeanian inter-planetary battle cruiser or, for those more intrepid adventurers, a taco on the planet Earth. Getting from one point at the top of the taco to the other generally means traveling along the surface, or within a taco hundreds of millions of miles (to use an earth term) thick, because the ship is bound by the physical laws of that Universe. Since entirely different Universes, with different physical laws, exists all around, and in between our Universal taco, extra-universal travel holds specific dangers for the wayward ship and its passengers. Entering another Universe is akin to a virus entering a foreign body. The wormhole, in essence, is the passport through that other universe, a permit to take a shortcut from one side to the other.

Traveling in the wormhole can be a rather strange experience. The laws of this Universe are called into question almost immediately. Everything moves in a dream-like manner, as if the fundamental basis for existing at all is almost an abstract concept. It is, as many researchers believe, a moment when chaos, kept in place by the strict order of the Universe, threatens to become the rule. Many believe this was the cause of the disaster that befell the wormhole cruiser, the Marmara. Somehow it lost power in the wormhole and foundered there. In time, investigators believe, all the various atomic particles simply acceded to this state of chaos until the entire ship, with thirty-three thousand passengers, consumed itself. The physical laws of that other Universe wrap around a ship, and since those alien laws are beyond our sensorial experience, it feels rather like falling through, well, a wormhole. A passenger one feels somewhat lost, as if dozing or floating in a bubbly warm sulfur bath.

MDT travelers find themselves at something of a disadvantage. Everything from galactic corporations to inter-galactic conglomerates beam their messages into the wormholes. When the Pragus-12 colonists revolted against the Eustacean Empire, both sides exploited the wormhole effect to promote their particular propaganda. So the wormholes have always been for sale. But lately some the darkest elements of our Universe have crept into them, filling the wormholes with the basest kind of filth.

Creating a wormhole is a rather expensive and complicated affair. As a basic principle it entails a blackhole, though for the larger ships the more common neutron stars will suffice. The basic criteria here being a massive object transformed into a gravitational event. Approaching the object at the speed of light, the ship must line up with one of the poles to avoid the debris swirling towards its demise in the massive equatorial accretion disk. With the benefit of its super high velocity the ship skirts the objects singularity, using the massive gravitational field to propel it to a speed sufficient for the ship to escape the Universe. For passengers it is like passing through a glittering halo. These are the laws governing the Universe. At once everything seems to speed up before coming to a sudden suspended lapse as the laws governing one’s physical existence fight against the inclination towards chaos. In this strange state one is particularly susceptible to messages and information. On one trip I learned the clicking and ticking of basic conversational Murulian. But as bad as things are becoming, an indication of the moral decay of our Universe, I am half tempted to return to the good old days of suspended animation!

As the ship entered the wormhole there appeared the writhing image of a fully aroused Rinelian prostitute, fully engorged; her twelve legs open in every direction. If that wasn’t enough the former Sausaurian princess, Ucgl-Ucgl, appeared in all her neon mating colors. Well, you can just imagine the affect this had on the Sausaurian children in the adjacent pod. It was like an electric charge ran through the lot of them. Worst of all, I’m certain that I actually saw a few of the older ones change color, well before they are mature enough to handle such a thing!

Perhaps most disgusting was a human couple in the midst of their particularly primitive sort of copulation. Aside from the fact that they are terribly small, and great trouble must be taken because their systems are so fragile, requiring a very specific environment to exist, an actual material exchange between male and female is necessary to create an offspring. The actual act of copulation is spastic and, frankly, just silly. Lucky for them (and for the rest of us who value good taste) their home planet is a relative backwater to the rest of the Universe. Anywhere else and they would risk being devoured by a predator while caught unawares in the midst of their disgusting act.

Are these the kind of things that should be tolerated in wormholes? They are after all, public places, frequently traveled by children and innocent offspring. A methane lactating Mursian worm can be an embarrassing thing for a parent to explain, let alone having to explain the unsightly inefficiency of Human intercourse. That, however, cannot be done until well meaning creatures, of every species, take the degradation of our wormholes seriously. The time to act is now!

If the Universe does not put in place some very specific guidelines regarding decency, then there is no telling how low our standards may sink, until without warning things much worse than pornography begin to intrude, such as politics!

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