The Ninja Amendment:

Be it soon resolved that We the People of these United States of America hereby propose that all schools in this great nation will henceforth be guarded by “good” Ninjas through a Constitutional convention of the States and ratified by the Congress. We further contend that this is as valid and an equally responsible response to initiatives to militarize schools with guns, forcibly arm teachers and increase the proliferation of guns by creating a virtual army to patrol the 130,000 schools in the nation. A single well-hidden Ninja would be far more effective and a greater deterrent than a dozen roaming part-time security guards.

Be it also noted by all parties that not a single crime or mass violence has ever been attributed to Ninjas, and that Ninjas are silent and stealthy and could dispatch a criminal with such lethal force as to provide minimal or no disruption to students, unlike a gun battle in a hallway. Further, it is laid down here that if it is proposed to force teachers to carry guns, that the wiser course, grasshopper, would be to train teachers in the moral, honorable and philosophical ways of the Ninja.

Be it expressed in the strongest terms that the benefits to children schooled by Ninja teachers would reap untold positive benefits for America’s children. God himself forbidding a crisis, a school-full of children trained in the ways of the Ninja would become a formidable army in their own right.

We here affirm the noblest aspects of the Ninja: A Ninja never panics. a Ninja is kind and perpetually helps those in need. They are courageous, adaptable, versatile, patient, and persistent. Ninjas express loyalty to one’s country, loyalty to one’s parents, trust and brotherhood among friends. Ninjas believe that large egos are carried by small minds. Ninjas never cry.

Upon this date the draftees of this bill declare that this is the Ninja Amendment as proposed. We call upon the people of this nation to spread this proposal far and wide to all citizens, their elected representatives and the National Rifle Association for the sake and safety, the sanity and security of these United States.

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