The terminology refers to weapons designed specifically for the characteristics of close combat, principally to kill a human enemy, with variable to poor long range capability. The Term Rifleman’s assault weapon was used by the American military during the 1970s. The German Army in the Second World War described a sturmgewehr, or “storm rifle.” The designs have been adapted for specific characteristics of combat. No self-respecting hunter would use or require a large magazine for hunting, or a bayonet or require a pistol grip mount. The shorter barrels and heavy rounds would do terrible damage to a catch. The overall inaccuracy of an assault weapon at regular hunting distances would make it a poor choice. And finally, the muzzle flash suppressor is meant for human prey. Animals would take note of the sound of the shot, not the muzzle flash.

But see here, what I am doing now is getting sucked into the Gun Pornographer’s game. We are forced to argue against absolute absurdity. And so, the best way of dealing with the absurd is to become even more absurd. And that’s why we are proposing a new amendment to the United States Constitution…

 

Proposed 28th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America: The Ninja Amendment

Many are calling this issue a mental health issue and not a gun issue. On both the Left and the Right the rhetoric around the mental health issue has taken a dangerous, wrong-headed, uninformed and regressive tone. The debate over guns in general has taken a decidedly perverse turn. For example, who would pay for the 400,000 sainted and trusted armed guards for our schools who would be necessary to guard multiple entrances, recess, open and large campuses and the fat target of would-be gunmen of masses of kids going to and from buses? Or do we require all kids entering and leaving school straight to secured vehicles to serpentine to cover?

All of those armed guards will need sick days, vacation days, mandated lunches and breaks, right? Who will pay that enormous bill? More taxes? Is the Right and NRA now arguing for greater taxation? What would the tea party say? That’s the sort of absurdist thinking the Dadaists would have envied. Perhaps then we’ll simply engender an army of volunteers. Who will oversee and screen them? What if they don’t want to volunteer any longer? Do we use the unemployed as free labor? How will they look for work on school/business days? Would we then require teachers to be armed?

And if you think we were kidding about this, well, here is your proposed amendment:

The Ninja Amendment:

Be it soon resolved that We the People of these United States of America hereby propose that all schools in this great nation will henceforth be guarded by “good” Ninjas through a Constitutional convention of the States and ratified by the Congress. We further contend that this is as valid and an equally responsible response to initiatives to militarize schools with guns, forcibly arm teachers and increase the proliferation of guns by creating a virtual army to patrol the 130,000 schools in the nation. A single well-hidden Ninja would be far more effective and a greater deterrent than a dozen roaming part-time security guards.

Be it also noted by all parties that not a single crime or mass violence has ever been attributed to Ninjas, and that Ninjas are silent and stealthy and could dispatch a criminal with such lethal force as to provide minimal or no disruption to students, unlike a gun battle in a hallway. Further, it is laid down here that if it is proposed to force teachers to carry guns, that the wiser course, grasshopper, would be to train teachers in the moral, honorable and philosophical ways of the Ninja. Be it expressed in the strongest terms that the benefits to children schooled by Ninja teachers would reap untold positive benefits for America’s children. God himself forbidding a crisis, a school-full of children trained in the ways of the Ninja would become a formidable army in their own right.

We here affirm the noblest aspects of the Ninja: A Ninja never panics. a Ninja is kind and perpetually helps those in need. They are courageous, adaptable, versatile, patient, and persistent. Ninjas express loyalty to ones country, loyalty to ones parents, trust and brotherhood among friends. Ninjas believe that large egos are carried by small minds. Ninjas never cry.

Upon this date the draftees of this bill declare that this is the Ninja Amendment as proposed. We call upon the people of this nation to spread this proposal far and wide to all citizens, their elected representatives and the National Rifle Association for the sake and safety, the sanity and security of these United States.

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