Gather ’round children, I’m going to tell you the most amazing Christmas story ever, ever, ever told.

Once upon a time there was this crazy cat named Jesus. No, the other pronunciation, the Jew one, not the rapist murdery one like the Mexicans send over the border…not their best people. Hold on, that’s brilliant. Let me tweet that out.

Where was I, oh yeah, the greatest, best Christmas story-ever!

So Joseph and Mary are travelling to Bethlehem in search of a place to stay because the government is taking a census, and its bad, because Mary is knocked up, and the Roman government is too big. Like the Roman I.R.S., which we are going to totally get rid of. And Mary can’t go to a hospital because of Obamacare, which back then was call Augustuscare. Bad. Very bad.

But there was no place to stay (Note to self: Put up resort in Bethlehem) Besides that, the place is crawling with Palestinians, some of who are bad people; very bad. That’s okay though, Joseph is packing heat, which is the god-given right of every American, and we all know Joseph and Mary were American, because they were white.

So they go to one last place, probably a Holiday Inn, which is how it got its name, and  a guy says “No room at the inn, whitey. Sleep in the barn with the animals. Black Lives Matter!”

Joseph starts to draw on the guy, but Mary, who is about to pop, says “payback comes later. Right now I gotta have this kid ’cause it’s the son of god, and my water just broke, anyway.” Joseph holsters his Glock, for now. He has to stand watch, after all because of the Palestinians, like I said, but also the Lying media, Liberals and atheists, who don’t believe in Jesus.

So Mary is pushing out the son of god, and she’s swearing up a storm. And there is like some animals and a couple of shepherds and stuff, ’cause who doesn’t like to look at a p-word now and then. And let me tell you, kids, when you’re a rich guy, babes will let you do more than look!

Still keeping an eye out for democrats and the media, Joseph cuts the cord and ties it off, and then they put the kid in a manger with hay, which I would never allow at Trump Resorts. Suddenly three wise guys appear: Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney and Vladimir Putin, and they say “Behold, the son of god, Jesus-the Jew pronunciation, not, you know…”

And the wise guys brought gifts: Gold, Frankenstein and more. And Newt stepped forward and said “Here, take these gifts, you are the son of god, the god who hates gays and transgendered bathrooms, loves banks, money and the Second amendment, leads us into battle and wants to see America return to “traditional” values.” Wink, wink.

Then Putin says, we can use him in Russia too, right, as soon as we work out the licensing and royalties on use of the baby messiah? With that they popped a bottle of the best Champaign I had sent over, I mean, top notch; the best stuff, and some Cuban cigars too, and there it was, the first Christmas ever!

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